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JOKES
Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)
Today we salute you, Mr. Excuse Ridden Over-Confident Kansas Football Fan.
(Mr. Excuse Ridden Over-Confident Kansas Football Fan) Eleven straight
wins, you wore that classy "Muck Fizzou" shirt like you meant it (Pinch
me, I'm dreamin'!) A season of bloated statistics and over-hyped wins
against Junior Varsity competition (Serve another cupcake!) Losing to a
superior team with better players is no match for your what-if scenarios
and could-have-been dreams (The field goal missed by inches!) So crack
open an ice-cold Bud Light you emphatic engineer of excuses. After all,
you would've won the game if it was played somewhere else!
(Mr Excuse Ridden Over-Confident Kansas Football Fan.)
Coach Mangino recently got lost in the
Kansas City area heading in for the big game. So he stopped at a gas
station and asked a young man the quickest way to get to 435. The young
man replied "start eating salad".
2007 Kansas football schedule
Sep 1 Lawrence Middle School 4th period gym class
Sep 8 Cub Scout Pack 231
Sep 15 Kansas Academy for the Blind
Sep 22 Spanish American War Vets
Oct 6 Kansas State
Oct 13 Concordia Home for Wayward Girls
Oct 20 Prairie Village Girl Scout Troop 439
Oct 27 Wichita Fraternal Order of Elks
Nov 3 Kansas City Boys Choir
Nov 10 Topeka Garden Club
Nov 17 Salina High School Marching Band
Nov 24 Missouri
Dec 22 Rockhurst High School*
*Rockhurst
was the only high school with the travel budget to make the bowl trip.
Kansas felt pretty comfortable until they heard that Drew Temple played
for the Hawklets.
You know you're from Kansas if:
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your
sister's honor.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on the amount
of gas in the tank.
A man walks into a store and says, "I
would like a blue hat, red pants, blue sweater, and white shoes." The
clerk says, "Are you a KU fan?" "Yes," replies the beaker, "How did you
guess - by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "this is a
hardware store."
Q: How do you know if a KU football player has a girlfriend?
A: There is tobacco spit juice on both sides of the pickup.
Q: What does a tornado and a KU cheerleader have in common?
A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.
Q: How do you get a KU cheerleader into your bedroom?
A: Grease both her hips and push.
How does KU count to ten ..... 0-1 0-2
0-3 0-4 0-5 0-6 0-7 0-8 0-9 0-10
A Jayhawker was walking in the woods when
he came upon a river. As fortune would have it, there was a fellow on the
other bank wearing a KU hat. The first Jayhawker yelled out "Hey there,
can you tell me how you get to the other side of this river?" The gent
in the KU hat replies, "You dumbass, you're already on the other side of
the river!"
Q: How do you keep a Jayhawk out of your
yard?
A: Put up a goal post!
Q: Did you hear about the big power
outage at the KU student union?
A: Forty Jayhawks were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Q: What are the best 4 years of a KU
student's life?
A: The 3rd Grade.
Q: What do you get if you breed a
groundhog with a KU football player?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What do you get if you drive by the KU
campus real slow?
A: A degree.
Q: Did you hear they've decided to cover
the Allen Field House court in cardboard next season?
A: People at KU have decided that their team always looks better on paper.
Q: How do you get a KU graduate off your
porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do KU students hang their diplomas
from their rearview mirrors?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q: Why doesn't KU have ice on the
sidelines?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: How many KU freshmen does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore class.
Q: What do you call a person from KU in a
three piece suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What's the difference between a litter
of puppies and KU fans?
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
Q: What does the average KU player get on
his SAT's?
A: Drool.
Coach Mangino is only dressing 10 players
for the Jayhawks game against MU. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.
KU has decided to change it's football
mascot to the opossum since they play dead at home and get killed on the
road.
Q: What happens when a KU grad takes
Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Q: Why don't KU grads use 911 in an
emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
Q: Why was KU late for so many games last
year?
A: Every time they passed a sign that said "Clean Restrooms", they did.
Q: Why did they have to cancel the
Christmas play at KU last year?
A: They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a KU
cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells, the other is a fish.
Q: Did you hear that KU has found a new
use for sheep?
A: Wool.
Q: What do KU cheerleaders and tornadoes
have in common?
A: Both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What's the difference between a KU bar
and a circus?
A: The clowns don't talk at the circus.
Q: How do you keep a KU girl from biting
her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.
Q: Did you hear about the KU athlete that
won a Gold Medal in the Olympics?
A: He was so happy, he had it bronzed.
Q: What's the most useless thing in a KU
fan's house?
A: The KU fan.
Q: How do you run a small business?
A: Start with a large business and put a KU grad in charge.
Q: How do you break a KU grad's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and
sex ed on the same day in Kansas?
A: They don't want to wear out the mule.
Q: How many KU students does it take to
eat a rabbit?
A: Three. One to eat and the other two to watch for cars.
Q: What's the difference between a KU
cheerleader and a heifer?
A: About 30 pounds.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke
bottles in Kansas?
A: Open other end.
Q: What do you call a KU fan with half a
brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Hod do the brain cells of a KU fan
die?
A: Alone.
The Student
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Kansas Jayhawk.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Jayhawks too. Not
really knowing what a Jayhawk is but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The
teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a
Jayhawk." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a Missouri
Tiger," boasts the little girl. The teacher is perturbed now, her face
slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel. "Well, my mom and dad
are Tigers, so I'm a Tiger too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no
reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a
moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says
Kristen, "I'd be a Jayhawk."
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers,
"241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand
Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to
discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your
IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds
Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to
discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to
which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jayhawks?"
The Drive
There's a guy from Mizzou driving from Columbia to Lawrence, and a guy
from KU driving from Lawrence to Columbia. In the middle of the night,
with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions. The Tiger manages to climb out
of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,
"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Jayhawk scrambles out
of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't
believe I survived this wreck!" The Jayhawk walks over to the Tiger and
says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away
our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The
Tiger thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We
should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck." So
the Tiger pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack
Daniels. He says to the Jayhawk, "I think this is another sign from God
that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The
Jayhawk says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking
down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Jayhawk
hands it back to the Tiger and says, "Your turn!". The Tiger twists the
cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to
show up."
The Flight
A Missouri alum gets on a turboprop headed for Wichita. As he sits down he
introduces himself to the guy across the aisle from him and learns he is a
kansas alum. He kicks off his shoes and announces he's getting a coke and
offers to get one for the kansas alum and the ku fan accepts. When he
leaves to get the coke, the ku alum leans over and spits in his left shoe.
When he returns, he discovers a second ku alum has joined the first and
repeats his offer. When the second accepts and the MU alum goes to get him
a coke, the second ku alum leans over and spits in his right shoe. Upon
landing, the Missouri alum slips his feet back into his shoes. He
immediately realizes what has happened as the two kansas alums are
laughing out loud. The Missouri alum sighs and says, "when are we going to
get over this insane hatred of each other? The spitting in shoes... the
pissing in cokes..."
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I am a sailor in the United States Coast
Guard. My parents live in a suburb of Houston and one of my sisters, who
lives in Beaumont, is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have
recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently
dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Matamoras. I
have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other
currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest
with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former
Thai prostitute who lives in Brownsville and indeed is still a part-time
"working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as
possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own
brothel, with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working
as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining
our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at
least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin. My
problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. My
question is - Should I tell her about my cousin who graduated from KU?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
The Mountain
A NU, OU, KU and MIZZOU fan were climbing a mountain one day.
Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most
loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and
finally they reached the top. The NU fan shouted, "This is for the
Huskers!" and hurled himself off the mountain, shouting as he fell to his
doom. Not wanting to be out done, the OU fan threw himself off the
mountain, proclaiming "Boomer Sooners!" Seeing this, the MIZZOU fan
walked over and exclaimed, "This is for everyone!"... and pushed the KU
fan off the of the mountain.
Claudia Schiffer
A Tiger fan, and Jayhawk fan and Claudia Schiffer were riding in a train
in the same compartment. As the train entered a tunnel, all became dark.
There was a loud kissing sound followed by a *SMACK*!!! As they came out
of the tunnel, the Tiger and Claudia sat next to each other looking across
to the Jayhawk holding his cheek. The Jayhawk thought...that darn Tiger
kissed Claudia and she must have thought I did it and slapped me. Claudia
thought, the Jayhawk must have tried to kiss me, and missed and kissed the
Tiger instead and got smacked. Meanwhile the Tiger was thinking, this is
great, the next time we go through a tunnel, I'm going to make a kissing
sound again and smack that Jayhawk!
What does your dad do?
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one
little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in
a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the
subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy
privately and asks if it was
really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for the Kansas Jayhawks and I was
just too embarrassed to say so."
If anyone has any good Kansas jokes, please
email them to
ihatekuwebmaster@gmail.com |
